I don’t want to waste another day. I want to feel passion, joy, and purpose. I started asking myself is there more to life than this? It is one of those pivotal moments, a monumental question, that served me in ways I had never dreamed of.

What is my purpose?

Then came the question of… What is my purpose? And if you’ve found your way here… then you’ve probably had this question swirling around in your mind for days… weeks… maybe even months. You have probably had all sorts of emotions about it. Frustration, What am I meant for, Why was I born into this world? You’ve probably even had a few sparks of insights shine through all the chaos of the mind, showing you the direction you need to be heading. You may have even had anger pop in and out with some limited beliefs and thoughts that sound like, “I’ll never be anything.” and numerous “I cant’s”.

Ah, the questions…

I experienced all of this… and it led me to another question. Questions are great aren’t they! Frustrating and annoying for sure… but isn’t the question itself that thing that challenges us.

To awaken parts of us inside that want to truly live, to know what we’ve never known… or to remember what we’ve always known.

The question is… is it not that we don’t know what our purpose is, but that we are scared of that purpose.

Is it not that we don’t know what our purpose is, but that we are scared of it?

Think about it… purpose is full of sacrifice. What is sacrifice? To give up oneself, to offer something or even yourself to another, to suffer in many cases. Is our purpose actually found in the sacrifices we have made since the day we were born… and is that the reason when we reach a certain stage in our path and start asking those big question- do we act oblivious to it, because we are scared of that purpose?

Ah… big questions.

Purpose lies in something greater

Carl Jung in his book the red book says, “What would you willingly sacrifice yourself for?” This means that your purpose isn’t found in money, car, clothes, status, or any other self-serving pleasure, but rather, your purpose is found in the thing that you would willingly suffer for. Your purpose lies in serving something that you deem as greater and more valuable than your own existence. So basically, your purpose can be found in something you voluntarily self-sacrifice for. Woooo….. deep, right?!

Purpose runs deep

Think about this, if you are one that believes in a higher power. Let’s say that the higher power bestowed upon you a great gift that you were going to use in your purpose from the day you were born until your return. It can be something so subtle yet so unique about you.

Think back over the file of memories when you were a child. Maybe it is selflessness.

I see this in my youngest daughter every single day. Here’s a great example… She just recently had open heart surgery, as the days went by in the hospital, and she began having more energy she asked if we could go to the gift shop. My mind flashed all of the things she could possibly want in there… as I had been in there days before to order flowers to fill her room with. I thought about the big lollipop she might want or the stuffed unicorn sitting in the corner.

As we walked in, she strolled right past all of these things that I was sure she was going to want, but instead she went over to where these dinosaur stuffed animals were and picked one up.

Gifts Bestowed Upon You

Turns out, she didn’t want to go to the gift shop for herself. This 6-year-old little girl with a bright rainbow heart was thinking of her cousin (who she says is her brother might I add) She wanted to get something for him. I see her do this time and time again, and it always blows my mind. If not for her “brother” then it’s for her sister, her aunt, or me… her mom. She makes sacrifices every day in her selflessness. That is her superpower.

Is she going to feed the hungry when she gets older, or host secret Santa’s to make sure every single kid has a toy for Christmas, who knows… but I do know that, that quality, that strength, that goodness that says I will put you first and sacrifice what I could have for you is going to play a major role in her purpose.

Major role in purpose

I think back on myself as a child. I had this uncanny gift to recognize when someone was covering up something. The how are you’s with the smile and the forced “I’m okays”, told a different story. I was… and still am a great observer of people. I could sit in a room all by myself and watch people. Seeing their stories, the way they would hold back disappointment on their face, lie about their happiness, fake the laughter, and save face over and over again. And yes! This gift plays a large role in my purpose. So, think about your story… think about your memories… what small or big gift do you have.

Beautiful Balance of the Purpose

You have to look at the balance in this as well because everything that has a positive side will always have a negative as well. We’ll call it our strengths and weakness’. Within that weakness is where you can find more to the sacrifice. I myself, sacrificed making friends a lot. I would rather dip into the hidden parts of others than to play that game of lets sweep it under the rug, and to even further this challenge with my sacrifice… I grew up in a family full of people who wanted to teach me to just sweep it under the rug. Let’s act like it isn’t there… let’s ignore it.

Without Life’s challenged, there is no Growth

I imagine my youngest daughter who is so selfless that she will put other people’s needs before her own will be challenged with heartache through her life. It will test her continuously, and she will have to make sacrifices time and time again… but as she does this. She will grow, and I know this. So even furthermore, is our purpose also part of the lessons we learn. For without life’s challenges, there is no growth. Without life’s challenges… would there even be purpose.

Higher Power Purpose

I think we have a higher power purpose, putting to use the gift we were born with. Of course through trail and error with that, we find ourselves in fear of using that gift. We have a purpose of learning and growing, through those trails and errors… through our weakness’. We recognize ourselves, the depth of who we are, to truly see ourselves, and we are able to tap into our fullest potential. This is your personal hero’s journey, the path to you.

Through this journey you will mess up, you will make mistakes, you will fall many times. You will experience heartache and pain. You will carry this hurt for a little while because even it will be a great teacher. Somewhere through this journey, this path of purpose, there will be fear. Fear to be you, fear to show the world who you are, or share your story. Fear to mess up again, or fear of falling. I believe finding your purpose isn’t the biggest question we should be asking, but what do I fear about my purpose.

What do I fear about my Purpose?

There is a key that your spirit holds inside that knows exactly what your purpose is. It has called out for you since day 1 but through your circumstances around this purpose, fear has surrounded the vision of what that could truly look like.

Maybe your sacrifices in childhood were very traumatic. We read books and watch movies that have examples of this all the time. The child that was abused and took the beating to protect his sister, that was challenged with knowing love, but persevered and became a social worker to make sure any child under his care was protected.

The little girl that never felt like she had parents because alcohol was their breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She knew independence and she knew loneliness. She was challenged with a life of balancing when to be independent and when to ask for help. Maybe when to trust someone and allow them to get close to her at all. She was challenged where she was most vulnerable. Within her purpose, she used her story to show others that we can find a healthy balance even through our past experiences and she became a drug and alcohol counselor.

So think back on what you have overcome. What has challenged you… your gift… and furthermore where does the fear lie now within you.

My fear of my Purpose

One of my biggest challenges that has been constant in my life in speaking. Communication itself. What! You mean you have this incredible gift to help people see the hidden things within them but you have a fear of speaking on it.

So I’ll give my secret away. Am I truly living in my purpose, No. I don’t believe so. There have been times where I was aligned to it and it felt wonderful.

I know my gift. I see my challenges, what I have overcome, and have grown tremendously. However, the past few days I have actually been questioning my purpose… which has led me to this topic altogether. Again… it isn’t what is our purpose, it’s what fear is holding us back from our purpose. Think of the many ways you can actually be in service to even a small amount of people with your gift. I’m going to end this with what I think is the best example of the fear blocking you from tapping into your purpose.

Trigger Warning: SA

I was 3 when I was sexually abused the first time. From that experience, I developed a massive challenge. To speak… to let others know… to share my fear, my disappointment, my confusion, my sorrow. I became mute.

Technically it was selective mutism, because I would speak to certain people at certain times, but I was very selective. I struggled with this for so many years, and still do. I began asking big questions around the age of 17… why was I like this? Why couldn’t I tell (at that time it was a boyfriend) what is bothering me? Why couldn’t I speak up and tell anyone. Why did my mind shut down and I couldn’t even push out a word in the most easiest of conversations?

In Search Within

I wanted to know myself, I wanted others to be able to know me. I worked with myself on a very deep level. Healing these wounds inside, going back into my memory and understanding what happened when I was younger, knowing my fear.

I’m realizing in this moment, that it’s not that I don’t know what my purpose is… it’s that I’m scared for others and the trauma they have had to endure. I’m scared that they aren’t ready to see what is hidden within themselves.

I spent most of my life trapped inside of my pain because of one man. Trapped in the fear itself of speaking about it. What if I use my gift and walk in my purpose of trying to help someone through their trauma… and they can’t speak about it. What if they too have held it inside for so long that it physically hurts to come to the surface. What if I miss something hidden because I missed this fear in me?!

What if I don’t try?

That’s a lot of what if’s… a lot of fear. So, I’m going to start asking the question of, “What if I don’t try?” Will they feel locked inside themselves, never to know freedom from all that pain, the way I felt. Will they always feel like their story doesn’t matter. Will they always walk through their life feeling like they can’t understand themselves while the question eats at them too.

My purpose is to be in service to others like me that have felt this pain, to give them a safe space to release the hurt, to help them understand who they are beyond their trauma, and to realize that through all of that- they have purpose. I hope this shakes something awake inside of you… a desire to know yourself more deeply, a desire to heal… and a desire like no other to live in your purpose. You are pure magic- uniquely You.