I asked a question that stopped everything:
“What am I afraid to see in myself?”
I expected something dramatic, honestly. A monster in the psyche. I thought some ancient wound still bleeding would come to the surface.
Instead, the word that came was gentle. Subtle. Unassuming. It rose from within like a sweet whisper unchained.
Willingness. Then… It faded into wanting.
At first, I didn’t understand.
Willingness? Isn’t that a good thing? A virtue? The precursor to action and transformation? Why would that be what I’m most afraid to see?
As I stood in the silence after the words came, something in me trembled, because I knew. Deep down, I knew.
Willingness isn’t a soft word.
It’s a summons, and quite frankly, it terrifies me.
The 32nd Gate
I’ve been standing at what I’ve come to call the 32nd Gate.
It isn’t a physical place, but a spiritual one. A soul-space. A temple of unleashing.
I’m at the threshold between the known and the unknowable.
It feels like the edge of everything I’ve been, and the first breath of something I haven’t yet dared to become. This gate doesn’t swing open easily. It watches as if it’s alive. It waits. It asks nothing less than everything.
It isn’t asking me to be perfect.
It’s asking me to be honest.
To be willing.
I know that’s what will break me wide open.
The Fear Beneath the Word Willingness
Willingness is terrifying because it means surrender.
It means I can no longer pretend I don’t hear the call. I suppose, it means I admit I’m not lost…just waiting.
Willingness is not passive at all. I have been passive….alot. It’s not just standing there saying, “Okay, I’ll go if you make me.”
It’s opening the door myself. It’s looking the gate in the eye and whispering,
“Yes. Even if I don’t understand. Even if it hurts. Even if it costs me everything I used to be…I’ll walk through this threshold.”
That’s what I’m afraid to see.
Because willingness demands I drop the illusion of powerlessness.
It strips away every excuse I’ve used to stay small.
It requires me to want again.
And that… that’s the deepest terror.
Wanting is Dangerous
Somewhere along the way, I learned that wanting was dangerous. That to want meant I would be disappointed. That to want meant I might lose control.
That to want meant I would have to admit I care. That I have desires, hopes, and…hungers.
In a world that shames need and punishes vulnerability, wanting felt like exposure. At this gate—this 32nd Gate—there’s no hiding anymore.
The veil is thin. The silence speaks.
And the question becomes:
Will I meet myself here?
Will I say yes to what I truly long for?
Not Perfection,Just Truth
The 32nd Gate isn’t asking for my credentials. It isn’t testing how enlightened I am. It isn’t even looking for clarity.
It’s just asking for one thing:
Willingness.
Willingness to be present.
Willingness to be raw.
Willingness to walk forward, not because I’m certain, but because I’m called.
Willingness to want without apology.
Willingness to be seen by the Divine, not as a broken thing begging for fixing, but as a holy flame ready to burn through illusion.
Willingness to allow the divine to move through me.
This is Where I Am
Right now, I don’t have all the answers.
I don’t even have all the words.
I have this moment.
This breath.
This knowing.
I’m standing at the 32nd Gate.
And I am afraid… yes in a way.
But also: willing.
Maybe that’s enough for now.
Maybe that’s everything.
Are You at the Gate?
If you’ve felt this too, this quiet trembling at the edge of something sacred, then I want to hear from you. Maybe this haunting word willingness echoes in your chest.
Tell me:
What are you afraid to see?
What is wanting or trying to awaken in you?
Are you standing at your own gate, waiting for the courage to say yes?
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You just have to be willing.
🕯️ Comment below, message me, or share this with someone standing on their own threshold. Let’s not walk through these gates alone.
Because on the other side of willingness…
is everything we were born to remember.
I’ll meet you at the threshold, join my Substack
Knew Light Streaming Love 
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